With everything that comes up between us,
It isn’t easy to accept that we are all one.
JILLIAN PHILLIPS

Yikes!!
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Katie P on her 80th B-day

I got up this morning, looked in the mirror, and thought my 96-year-old mom had escaped from the nursing home.   Yep, there she was in my favorite jeans and old Stones t-shirt, and all I could think of was that they would be ruined in literally seconds since she always waits until the last minute to use the bathroom, which is always too late.   Getting old really sucks big time for all of us!

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Mom and Dad on Roberts Road

I was lucky; I had parents who took care of me, watched out for me, and did the best that they could given what they had to work with (me). They contributed to many happy memories of moments in time. I will write more about it all later, because I have to get my thoughts in order for this part.


UFO
(Unidentified Father Object)
Sometimes I think I smell
your cigars, and then,
I think I see you walking
down a well-paved street,
only to catch a glimpse
of your profile, or
the back of your hat.

I always think I see you,
but I know it can’t be,
because I saw you
being lowered into
the ground securely in
your ’reserved’ spot
at Greenlawn.

But today, it was a
full-face-clear-view,
and you were smiling,
like all of this was
some sort of
cruel joke.

(For Dad, 7/11/1910 - 2/11/1985)
©JILLY 1990

RESIGNED RETIREMENT
My mother’s a perfect “94”
With that old lady smell,
Mixed in with Shalimar and
Generous sprays of all
The samples on the
Department store counters.
She spends her days
Staring into space
Thinking about a past
That’s as clear as a bell, but
Hardly noticing the present, and
Unable to visualize any future.
She sits and waits
For the only thing
She expects.

(For Mom, 10/27/1914 - )
©JILLY 1999

DUTY, OBLIGATION, & GUILT TRIPS
Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying the debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect. But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. . .Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. So learn to say NO - and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away at your life and leave none of it for you. (This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.) ~ LAZARUS LONG

RELATIVES
What about the relatives you got when you were born? Someone said, and for once I don’t have the correct quote-reference (I’m thinking that maybe I said it so much that it’s my own): “just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to hang on and be miserable.” Is it your duty to take care of a relative that caused your life to be full of anguish and despair? Are you obligated to them in any way just because you are related? Thankfully, you can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose everyone else, and you can choose your duties and obligations as well. Will you feel guilty if you don’t do what society deems “the right thing?” Maybe, but after a while, you may not. Take care of YOU!

I had a friend, dead now (cardiac arrest), that I suspect allowed herself to be ‘theoretically’ killed by her relatives. It was her husbands’ that did it, but while she was running around trying to please that side of it, her side gave her guilt trips by demanding equal time. I just watched and listened, so I was no help, not that if I had, it would have been heard. (I was not as ‘verbal’ as I am now, if you can imagine that.)

I can’t confirm the exact part of it that got her, but this relative thing went very deep. I strongly suspect that the last straw had something to do with his mother’s sister’s 2nd cousin’s former roommate’s daughter by her 3rd marriage...really, it was that bad! The husband remarried a few years after she died, and I have it on good authority that his present wife doesn’t do much of anything of a ‘domestic’ nature, but more important, that also includes the relative crap. Smart woman!

All people are your relatives,
therefore expect only trouble from them.
OLD CHINESE PROVERB

RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships of any kind are difficult, period. We bring ourselves into it, which for some, can be complicated enough, and then, enter stage left, here comes another personality or two or three, with all of the bells and whistles that either compliment what were are about, or not. Then add the changes we all go through in our own life cycles, and what worked well at one time, doesn’t later on. Who’s to blame? Do you rack your brain trying to rectify any little differences so the relationship can remain in tact, or do you decide that life is short and move on? Most of us rack our brains out of habit, with a guilt trip or two thrown in, until something causes most of us to snap.

I have some dear married friends that concern me; they are some of the ones that hang on, whether it be religious issues, duty, guilt, fear, you name it, they’ve got it, and they are miserable to the point of despising the very existence of their other half. They hide their despondency by busying themselves so they don’t have to think about it, but at the end of the day, surely they feel it. I don’t get it, but then I am one of those self-centered spoiled brats who doesn’t balk at taking care of myself FIRST...Because, (another saying), “if mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” Does it scare me to be so? Yes, sometimes it scares the hell out of me to think that I have to depend on just me to get through, but I do it, and I’m still here, and it is OK.

WOMEN vs MEN vs WOMEN vs MEN vs . . .
I don’t hate men; I like them. They seem to be a confused lot, but it’s no wonder with all of the bra-burning and women’s rights being shouted about. (I just dated myself, but that is where it started.) My reasons for hooking up with any of those that I did were misguided, and I am responsible for that. Looking back at all of it, after all of the dust has settled in my mind, I am not sure that I ever really loved any of the ones that I said I did. I have come to the conclusion that I have never had a good grasp of the concept of what love really is in the man/woman sense of it. I think I confused lust and obsession with love, and that can be so easy to do for everyone when they are in the middle of it. I don’t think I’m meant to have all of that love and devotion stuff this lifetime, especially with all of the baggage & relatives, but I do envy those who seem to have it. One thing for sure, whatever it was, I sure as hell have had a good run of it! I’m just not cut out for all of the drama that comes with having to be obligated to all of the nooks and crannies of a full-blown ’til death do us part’ relationship. I am reminded of another friend who always said that the perfect man for her would be “a rich, sterile orphan.” Sounds good to me!

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Finding the right one is
a matter of luck and timing.
JILLIAN PHILLIPS