American English

Many Americans, myself included, complain about those who come to our country to live, yet do not seem to make the slightest attempt to learn our language. We are part of a melting pot, but the idea of “push 1 for Español; and push 2 for English” is more than most can tolerate. I’m certain that 95% of us support the premise that ‘if you are going to live here, learn the language.’ Who ever heard of an American, Chinese or Japanese person moving to France, and France then changing their language to accommodate? Cold day in you-know-where for that! After all, even when we go to visit a foreign country, most of us get a phrase book and learn a few of the basics just out of simple courtesy to make it easier for everyone we encounter.

HOWEVER, after studying several languages (right now I am attempting to learn Mandarin), I realize that our American English language is very unnerving for a person from another country to fully digest on a daily level, although many politely try, and for the most part, do quite well. Look below and see what I mean about the American English!

There.
Their.
They’re not the same.

One foot;
Two feet.
(I like 2 ’foots’ - always have)


Gallagher
”FOUR ALL WHO READ AND RIGHT”

Back in the 80's Gallagher (the watermelon smashing guy) did a routine called “Totally New” about our messed up English spelling & grammar. From what I understand this routine has remained one of his most memorable and much discussed. I got the text for it off the VHS that I was thrilled to get a long time ago, and am reproducing it here. I remember when I saw the performance; I laughed way too hard for an ‘English Language and Literature’ major, but he was right on-target. This routine is included on a DVD ©“Gallagher - The Sledge-O-Matic Collection” and can be purchased thru Amazon.com.

I tried to get permission to print this here, but was unsuccessful. So, being a writer, I realize that I have both a professional and ‘potential’ legal problem with making the right decision. I do know how I would feel if the situation were reversed, but I would give permission either before or after-the-fact if there was reference to my work at the beginning. I really wanted to include this to make the obvious point. If I could have written something equal, I would have, but there’s no way to reinvent the wheel here. I’ve found the best way to get permission (or not) is to go ahead and print something (not in all situations), give credit, and THEN I might hear about it one way or another since my website is ‘out there.’ I hope I don’t get into too much trouble. Here is GALLAGHER’s

“FOUR ALL WHO READ AND RIGHT:
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
but imagine the feminine as being she, shis, and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example…If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but cannot make one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it - one odd and one end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

Where else would you park your car on a driveway and drive your car on a parkway?”
GALLAGHER “TOTALLY NEW”

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT BEFORE MOVING ON

We are using English as the result of British colonization. But, did you know that the U.S. federal government has no official language? English is the common language used, so it is considered the ‘de facto’ language of the United States because of its widespread use. English has been given official status by 28 of the 50 state governments. Uh-oh, I am concerned with the statement “because of its widespread use.” Have you noticed that English isn’t that ‘widespread’ anymore?